My road to atheism Part 2

Our church search eventually led to no church. I just wanted to worship god my own way and not have to deal with the politics of the church. I did my daily devotionals, read books by Christian authors, listened to Christian music and enjoyed nature.

Now, before I continue, I must say that none of these events occurred in any certain order. Everything was happening in the same time frame when I was in my sophomore and junior years at high school. So, in random order, these are some other things that were going on in my life.

I was curious about yoga and meditation. I was warned that these things were satanic, but my curiosity overcame my fear. I went to the public library and started reading some books about yoga. (The library was my FAVORITE place when I was a kid).

I wanted to be an effective witness to other people. So, I read Josh McDowell's Evidence that Demands a Verdict. I struggled with it because much of it just wasn't logical. I felt that he wanted me to believe something simply because he said it or provided a quote from someone else. There wasn't much evidence presented. That just wasn't good enough for me....I wanted the evidence. So, if Josh wasn't going to present it, I guess I'd have to look for it myself.

I read a book about Mormonism. My heart raced every time I took it out. I'd look around to make sure my mom and sisters didn't notice what I was reading. Why? Because everyone knew that Mormonism was a cult...it might be dangerous to read about it. But, I found it intriguing. We had a church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints right next to my high school and I had many friends who would leave during the day to go and take a class at the church. Hey, they couldn't be all that bad. I mean, they believed in Jesus too.

In my senior year of high school, I didn't really think about religion much. I was having fun with my friends and had just started dating my boyfriend (now my husband :)). I graduated as one of the valedictorians of my high school and something I overheard one of my religious uncles say at my graduation party will never be forgotten: "She's a valedictorian, but it's at a public school. She couldn't have done it at local Christian school." This hateful statement hit me like a brick. It was one of my first glimpses of Christian hate and it opened my eyes to many other hateful things done in the name of Christianity. I had been naive enough to believe that all people who go to church are good, loving people. This was a rude awakening.

I had given up on the idea of Bible college sometime after our visit to the school in Montana. It just wasn't for me. I had big dreams...I wanted to help people who had family members with mental illnesses. I had been lucky to have support from friends, teachers, school counselors and my mom's family. But, I knew that many people didn't have that support. A Bible school that was not accredited wouldn't help me attain those goals. So, I had applied at a local university and was accepted into their Honor's program.

The Honor's program laid out my first year of college. The advanced courses I took focused my studies on philosophy and the modern sciences. I was also allowed to be part of a research group in my selected area of psychology. I went on to take more science and philosophy courses...I loved them. My high school education had not exposed me to the works that I was reading by Plato, Epictetus, Kant, Euripides, Aristotle and Darwin....just to name a few.

At this point, I may have still called myself a Christian...but I was a very liberal Christian. My husband and I got married after my second year of college. We did not want to get married in a church, so we found a beautiful place for an outdoor wedding. We didn't want to be married by a pastor, but didn't know any other options. So, we found one of the most liberal pastors we could find :) I remember catching my breath when he said shit one time :) I distinctly remember my wedding day as being the first time I kept my eyes open during prayer. I know that sounds silly, but when you're raised from birth as a Christian...you just don't do that. It was very liberating :)

Another random memory I have from this time period is about Noah's ark. Someone told me very excitedly that "they" had found Noah's ark. (I don't recall which "they" this was...it was sometime in the late 1990's). When I was younger, I probably would have been really excited. But, it was at that moment that I realized...I didn't believe the story. I had been raised to believe that everything in the Bible was literally true....but come on, it just didn't add up. So, I just smiled, but knew that nothing would come of it.

My husband had been accepted into pharmacy school, so we moved to Montana after we were married. I ended up taking classes in Buddhism, Anthropology, Literature, Biology, Art and various other subjects. My anthropology class focused on belief systems around the world. I had never dreamed that there could be so many! My sheltered life was being blown away by my education. I helped out at the Sunday school of a UU church once in awhile while we lived in Montana and found it to be very interesting. I was being exposed more and more to different points of view and my curiosity just kept growing.

Then....I got pregnant.